Feeling Like a Fool

Last week, Emily and I were enjoying American Idol. The last act was 62 year old "General" Larry Platt who performed the now viral hit, "Pants on the Ground." In case you haven't seen it, here it is for your viewing pleasure.




What a catchy tune!

Well...I have had that tune running through my head like an ear worm for the past 24 hours.

But first, a flashback moment from my very distant past.

When I was a young girl, I loved books. (Still do.) I remember my mother reading me many, many books. One of my favorite childhood books was Millions of Cats by Wanda Gag. Wilkipedia, that wonderful on-line encyclopedia shares that not only did it win the Newberry Award in 1929, but it is the oldest picture book still in print. It is about a lonely old woman and a lonely old man who decided they wanted a cat. The husband set off to find the perfect cat and found a hillside where there were "hundreds of cats, thousands of cats, millions, and billions, and trillions of cats." This phrase is repeated several times throughout the book. Many times, after hearing this book read (or later reading it to my daughters) I would hear this phrase repeated in my brain--over and over, much like the ear worm that I have when I even see the phrase, "Pants on the Ground."

Well, now I want to share another memory from my distant past. (I promise, there really is a point to this very rambling post.)

When Ron and I were first married and living in Provo we had an experience that forever turned us off Log Cabin Syrup with it's pop-up lid. We had made a lovely batch of pancakes. They were fluffy and perfectly browned. We heated up the syrup (still in the container) in a pan full of hot water. Carefully we buttered our stack of pancakes and then drizzled pancake syrup over our pancakes.

In horror, we saw ants floating in our syrup and soaking into our lovely pancakes. Hundreds of ants, thousands of ants, millions and billions and trillions of ants. Of course, the pancakes were thrown away.

Now, for the latest experience that occurred yesterday morning.

After coming back from my delightful Friday morning walk with Julie, I poured myself a bowl of cereal. If you MUST know, it was Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds. I sat down to enjoy my cereal when I saw not one, but TWO ants in my bowl. Shuddering, I investigated further.

I could not see any signs of ants in the actual cereal, but the outside box of the cereal had a few ants on it. I investigated further.

Next to the Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal (with almonds) was a box of Lucky Charms that Emily enjoys partaking of occasionally. I saw more ants on that box of cereal. Opening the box, I removed the cellophane interior where the cereal was nestling. I looked inside the cellophane to see if there were any ants in THAT cereal. I didn't see any. I left all the cereal on the kitchen counter so that the cupboard could be cleaned out. A few minutes later, I noticed many, many ants swarming all over the Lucky Charms Cereal.

There were hundreds of ants, thousands of ants, millions and billions and trillions of ants. The rain that we have been receiving the past few days drove them into my house and straight to the warmth and security of the Lucky Charms cereal.

I don't know if I can ever buy Lucky Charms cereal again.

And that is why I have "Pants on the Ground" playing in my brain over and over the past 24 hours. But instead of the original lyrics I hear these words:

Ants in my food,
Ants in my food,
Feeling like a fool with these
Ants in my food.

Pets, Planets, Plus Four More

Random questions that you probably always wanted to know about me but were afraid to ask....

1. What is your pet hate?

I grew up with 1 1/2 dogs. Our first dog was a stray who my dad named "Dog." (I wanted to call her Lucky.) She spent many years with our family. One day she escaped our home and found true love with our favorite neighbor's dog "Spook." Dog had puppies. We gave most of them away but kept one who my dad called "Cat." That way we would have a dog AND a cat.

Cat did not stay with the family a long time because Cat kept getting larger and larger and needed more space. We found a good home for Cat, too. I guess that is why I would say that we had 1 1/2 dogs, because Cat was not a long time part of the family.

My own children had a cat, Trixie, a rabbit, Dixie, a frog, Pixie, a toad named Pixie the Second, and a lizard named Ixie. Do you see a pattern? The two Pixies and Ixie did not live a long time. We really think that Pixie the Second was eaten by Trixie. (This was a fact that I could not share with my children for a very long time.) I'm not sure what happened to Pixie I or Ixie. Perhaps I don't WANT to remember. Sadly, Trixie and Dixie are buried in the backyard burial grounds where we remember them both with fondness. I can handle all these pets. So, what is my pet hate? I would say a rat, even if it was named Rixie and also a snake, even if it was called Flixie.

2. If you had the choice of living on any planet, then which one it be and why?

Well, I would prefer to live on planet Earth because it has actual air to breathe, water to drink, and it's pretty beautiful. But....if I had to choose another planet in our solar system, I would choose Venus because everyone knows that men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

If I could choose a planet outside our solar system, I would choose the planet closest to Kolob.

3. It’s your birthday and everyone forgets what would you do?

Well, this actually did happen one year. My entire family forgot. I mean, my entire family. No one remembered and I didn't say anything all day long. I felt very sorry for myself. Now, I would remind everyone several times before the big day, "So, it's my birthday. Where are you taking me for dinner?" I probably would make sure that I had at least one birthday present, too--even if I had to buy it myself.

4. Do you think you are good at recycling?

I think I am excellent at recycling. I am the one that takes out recyclables from one trash can and puts it in the right container.

5. Cash or credit?

Oh, definitely cash although I usually use my debit card for most store purchases so I don't have to carry cash with me. When I do use my credit card (for on-line purchases for example) it's always paid off each month.

6. Car or public transport!?

Car. Enough said.

Walgreens

It was the first week of the new semester and Emily was working on an oral presentation for her English class.

"Mom," she asked, "Do we have any poster board? I need some."

Feeling very virtuous and prepared I told her that I did. I knew right where it was. I gave her the 11 x 14 package of poster board I had picked up during the back-to-school sales and she promptly said, "This is too small."

It had been a crazy day. I had prepared dinner for the missionaries (another story in itself) and was on my way to book club where I was in charge of the refreshments. I really wish she had said something earlier--like on the way home from school. But, that would have been too easy. I told her that after book club we would run and get some poster board.

Well, book club lasted a little longer than normal and by the time I was home, I knew that Walgreens (known for its 24 hour service) would be our only option. I told Emily that she NEEDED to come with me because I was NOT going to Walgreens by myself that late at night. I needed a buddy. I don't really know what I expected Emily to do in case we were attacked, but I figure there is safety in numbers.

Navigating the scary Walgreens parking lot, we safely made it inside the store. Scanning the aisles, we found the white poster board and stood in line. When it was our turn, the young college-aged cashier who was checking us out was really checking Emily out. As her mother, I notice things like that.

When we were safely back in the car (with all doors securely locked) I mentioned my observations. Emily wailed, "And I'm having a bad hair day!" Why this mattered, I do not know.

Well, last night after returning from a camp meeting, I was enjoying The Mentalist on TV. Fifteen minutes before it ended Emily came into my room.

"Do we have anymore spiral notebooks?" I told her to check the closet. She looked. I looked. No spiral notebooks. Oh, I found a partially used spiral notebook, but she did not want to use THAT! It needed to be a fresh spiral notebook for her psychology class.

"Let me finish this show and then we'll go to Walgreens."

Great! Another trip to scary parking lot Walgreens!

Emily wailed, "But I'm having a bad hair day and that clerk will probably be working!"

"I don't care. I'm not going by myself."

The TV show was over. We headed to Walgreens and sure enough, there was the same college aged cashier working. Emily was mortified. He would see her with TWO bad hair days!

By the time we found the PERFECT spiral notebook in the PERFECT color, there was a very long line. A very, very long line. The college-aged cashier was doing his best, but we were stuck in a very long line.

Another register was opened. A female cashier who could care less if Emily was having a bad hair day checked us out. Emily was relieved. I was relieved just to be going home.

I've decided I really need to stock up on spiral notebooks and large pieces of poster board. At least I have a years supply of binder paper!

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Monday morning our church building was given the assignment of cleaning the Sacramento Temple. This was our first opportunity to do it. I was excited about helping out. Vicki and Gary told me they would pick me up at 6:30 am so we could arrive by 8:00 am.

I was so excited and anxious about being ready on time that I woke up around 3:15 am and never went back to sleep. I usually get up around 5:00 am and so I could not understand why I was worried that I wouldn't be ready in time. I blame Grandma Faulk. She was a worrier and she passed this gene onto her grandchildren.

When we arrived at the temple and had put on our white coveralls, we gathered together to receive our instructions. The head cleaning man shared a story.

Shortly before the temple was dedicated, the new temple presidency was instructed by someone from Salt Lake that this temple would not have a paid cleaning crew and would rely on volunteers. They told them that there were two ways to accomplish this. The first way was to have the early morning temple workers arrive two hours before their shift. This meant that they would need to be there at 3:30 am to clean the temple. The late evening temple workers would need to also stay late which meant that they wouldn't be able to go home until 11:30 pm or midnight. The temple presidency didn't really like this suggestion and asked what the alternative was.

"Well," they were told, "you can ask the stakes to send pools of volunteers to come and clean. But, this has never worked. We really recommend that you use your temple workers."

The temple presidency thanked the Salt Lake people for their counsel and direction and decided to go with suggestion number two. The stakes were asked to help clean the temple.

About a year later, a group of people from the Temple Committee from Salt Lake came out to inspect the Sacramento Temple. They spent three days inspecting EVERYTHING! When they were finished, they met with the new temple presidency and reported that this was the first temple in their recollection that was in better shape a year after the dedication. The stakes had pulled through!

We were then given our assignments. Some vacuumed, some cleaned and restocked paper supplies in the bathrooms. Some dusted. I was part of the dusting crew. We were asked to dust every horizontal surface we could find and polish any mirrors or glass work that we saw. We were given a damp rag to dust with, two dry rugs (one to dry after dusting and one for our window cleaning) a bottle of Windex, and a Magic Eraser. We then went to work.

After three hours of dusting I looked at my damp cloth. It looked just as clean as when I started. I looked at my dry cloths. They looked clean, too. My big contributions to cleaning the temple were picking up a stray bobby pin, a used Kleenex, and a three pieces of lint off the carpet.

I wish my house was this clean!

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend?

As the postlude music was playing at the end of Sacrament meeting last Sunday, I glanced down at my left hand and saw my engagement ring sparkle.

Whispering to Ron I said, "Don't you think my left ring finger would be more attractive if I had a one carat diamond on it?"

As he looked down at my left hand he whispered, "Yes. Would you like me to buy you a larger one?"

Surprised, I whispered back, "That's OK. We need a new roof a lot more."

Man, I hate being practical!

Tears of Joy and Gratitude

It was Saturday, December 19 around 10 pm at night and I was lying on a large, pillow bedecked couch at the reception site crying. In the kitchen I could hear Christie and Tim talking but I couldn't understand what they were saying. Ron had been vacuuming for at least the third time--trying to pick up all the sparkly things on the floor. My feet hurt after wearing a brand new pair of shoes all day. But that is not why I was crying.

(Note to self: Do not wear a brand new pair of shoes when you have to do a lot of standing. And walking. And picture taking. Even if they are very cute. Break them in first.)

I was past the point of exhaustion. It had been a wonderful day! A splendid day! A day where a new family was joined together in a sacred temple of God. A day where we had plenty of sunshine instead of rain and fog. A day of sweet surprises where a cousin-in-law drove at least three hours each way to be with our family.

As I lay there on the sofa, wiping away the tears, I thought about Jennifer's life. I remember holding her in my arms for the first time and marveling at all her dark hair. I remember sending her off to Kindergarten for the first time. I remember high school graduation and leaving her in the dorms at college. I remember the happiness in her voice when she called to let me know that she met someone special. And now, today was her wedding day. And I cried.

I cried mainly tears of joy--joy that she was married in the temple and that she married a wonderful young man. But my tears were also just a little sad. She would no longer need me the way she once had. And that is right. And it is good. But, I would miss her.

I also cried tears of gratitude. I was grateful for my family supporting us this day--for taking time out of their busy lives to be with Jennifer and Jacob. For two sisters, two daughters, and a son-in-law who flew in from Utah. For parents who were dealing with plumbing problems and computer crashing problems, and other pesky problems and yet still came. For two nieces who left young families to take photographs at the temple. For a brother who stepped in at the last moment to take the pictures at the reception. For an absolutely wonderful sister-in-law who was dealing with the death of her mother-in-law and yet still found time to do the wedding flowers. For family members who were stressed and crazy with Christmas preparations and yet still were there. How could I thank them? How could I express my gratitude?

I cried additional tears of gratitude for wonderful friends. Friends who love me and worked together to create a memorable experience. I know that some lost sleep. I know that they worked tirelessly. I know they could have been working on their own Christmas preparations or spending time with their own families. Yet, they prepared food and made the wedding cake. They served food and cut the wedding cake. They helped set up and clean up and stepped in with a listening ear and plenty of hugs when I just didn't know if I could pull it off. And so, I cried.

It's been just over three weeks and I think my body, my mind, and my spirit are returning to normal. I'm thinking a little more clearly. I'm feeling a little more rested. But, my feelings of gratitude have persisted.

Dear Family. Dear Friends. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Yes, I cried that December 19, but they were tears of joy and gratitude for having you a part of my life.

It's That Time of the Year

If there is one thing the Young Women program taught me growing up it is the value of setting and achieving goals. I love this time of year when I have a chance to reflect upon my life and decide which areas I would like to work on in the coming year.

My blueprint for setting goals is found in Luke 2:52 where it reads,

And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

One simple sentence that described Jesus' life from the age of 12 until he started his formal ministry at age 30. He increased in wisdom--he increased intellectually. He increased in stature--he increased physically. He increased in favor with God--he grew spiritually. And last, but not least, he grew in favor with man--he developed socially.

I try to follow this pattern as I set my goals each year. I choose some goals that hopefully strengthen my intellect and other goals that strengthen me physically. I choose goals where my testimony can grow and be strengthened and I choose other goals that help me be a more social person. I would like to share a few of this year's goals with you.

Intellectually, I'm hoping to complete two more BYU classes and actually graduate. Yes, after all these years, I'm hoping to don a black robe and an ugly mortarboard hat and hear my name called at a BYU graduation exercise. This is a goal that I've been working on for a long time. I put college graduation on the back burner--so far back I almost forgot it existed. When my oldest daughter graduated from college almost five years ago, I suddenly knew that I wanted to go back to college and I've been working on this now for over four years--one class at a time. Some of the classes have been extremely enjoyable and others have been very difficult--not necessarily because the coarse work was extremely hard, but because it did not engage me as much or the course expectations weren't as clear.

Spiritually, I want to re-read the Book of Mormon again this year. My mother has inspired me to really study the footnotes and look up the cross-references and then record my thoughts and feelings in my journal. I know that my understanding of the scriptures will increase as I do this. But even more important, my testimony will increase as well.

Physically, I want to exercise at least 250 times this year. My sister Karen was my example with this goal when several years ago she told me that she kept an exercise log and recorded not only when she exercised, but logged the type of workout. I don't think I'll be that extreme, (in fact, I know I won't) but last year I exercised 225 times and I would like to increase the amount. I'm off to a great start! I've exercised three days so far this year. Of course, it's only January 5.

Finally, socially I would like to become more charitable. Many years ago I read an Ensign article that really impressed me. It was about a woman who was challenged to give an act of service every day for six weeks. It was such a wonderful experience that she decided to extend the challenge for an entire year. She shared some of the service she rendered. Most of it was simple, but it trained her to look for ways she could help others. By the end of the year, she had developed greater charity and empathy for others. I, too know that this is an area I would like to focus on. So, I've committed to performing at least one act of service each day this year and recording it in my planner. It will be fun to look back and see what I've accomplished. More importantly, I'm hoping that my experience will render me a more loving and kind person.

I'm excited about the upcoming year. I'm looking forward to accomplishing good things and becoming a more well-rounded person.

Lora and Robert's Excellent Adventure

Before I begin telling you this story, let me share some background. Over 17 years ago I discovered a wonderful hairdresser named Donna. She always seemed to know what to do with my hair. (OK, there were a couple of bad haircuts when she just learned that someone she loved had died, but other than that, she has been excellent.)

Donna and I have more than just a business relationship. She has also become a friend. We have discussed religion, (interesting conversations between a Baptist and LDS believer) politics, (not quite so scary since we both have conservative beliefs) and of course our families.

When Ron lost his job last year, Donna added him to her church's prayer roll and prayed for our family daily. She rejoiced when he found a job. Several years ago when Heather was a poor college student she chemically straightened her hair for the cost of the chemicals--because she wanted to, not because she HAD to. She gave Christie and Tim a lovely wedding gift of assorted hair products and made little ham sandwiches for Jennifer and Jacob's reception. OK, with that background, I'm ready to share my most excellent adventure.

A few months ago, Donna told me that one of her students (she also teaches at a cosmetology college) needed a hair model for the state boards. "Would I be interested in helping out?" She explained it would take place in the Bay Area and that I would need to be there for about four hours. Jennifer and Jacob had just gotten engaged. I told her that as long as it took place after December, I would be happy to help out.

I imagined that her student would come to the beauty salon where she worked where he could meet me and my hair. Umm...that is not exactly what happened.

About three weeks before Jennifer and Jacob's wedding day, she called and left a message on my machine. "Lora, can you meet with Robert on December 7 at the Beauty College? He needs to practice for the state boards?"

How could I say "no?" I had committed to helping out. So, on the only day that Stockton has seen significant snowfall in probably two decades, I headed over to the beauty college. There I met Robert and thus our excellent adventure began.

The first thing I noticed was how cold the building was. Donna tried to turn on the heat but I couldn't sense any difference. I was specifically told to wear a collared shirt without a sweater to make it easier for Robert. I realized how skimpy my long sleeved collared shirt collection is. I believe I can count two such shirts in my wardrobe. One was in the laundry. That left one long sleeved collared shirt for me to choose from--not an especially warm shirt. But, how could I not go along with Donna's request? After all, I had made a commitment.

Pretty soon the practice test began. Robert first had to drape me. He struggled putting towels and drapes around my neck and head. In his exuberance to keep everything together, he pulled the drape so snugly that I thought perhaps-- just perhaps--I would not be able to breath. But, I didn't say anything because I had been instructed by Donna that I couldn't talk to Robert and he couldn't talk to me during the entire examination process. I didn't say a word that I might possibly choke and die in his chair. After all, I had made a commitment.

As soon as Robert and Donna weren't looking, I loosened the stranglehold the drape had around my neck. Breathing easier, I waited for the next step. Ahhh....it was time to get my hair wet. Robert tried to get warm water to come out of the tap, but the pipes were just as cold as the room. Nothing resembling warm water ever appeared. As he soaked my head I began thinking that maybe this adventure would not be so excellent after all.

Robert stimulated coloring my hair using a type of shaving cream. He stimulated giving me a permanent by putting little rollers in my hair. He stimulated tinting my hair with another application of shaving cream. Between each treatment, I got to go to the sink and get my hair rinsed out again. I was becoming colder and colder. I believe my lips were turning purple. I know my fingernails were getting a a blueish tinge and my toes were numb.

Robert had to put make-up on me. He applied several products that made my face feel like a mask. I was very, very nervous when he applied mascara. Do you know how scary it is for a twenty-something year old man to put mascara on your lashes? Very scary!!!

One of the last steps in his practice exam was giving me a manicure--on one hand only. He demonstrated his knowledge of applying acrylic nails by applying only one--to my pinky nail. For 4 1/2 hours I shivered as he practiced various treatments. When he pulled out his razor to give me a "pretend" haircut I wanted to shout for Donna to watch him carefully! My daughter was getting married in less than two weeks and I really didn't want my hair butchered. Thankfully, no hair was lost that I was aware of.

When it was over, Donna quickly blow dried my hair so I wouldn't leave with wet hair. I had time to pick up Emily from school and then proceeded to teach piano lessons with make-up I normally don't wear, shaving cream residue in my hair, and one nicely manicured hand with an extra long acrylic pinky nail. I'm sure I looked a sight.

When I talked to Donna a week later about how Robert did, she told me that he decided he was going to ask his sister to be his "hair model" so he could practice with her frequently before his state boards. Thank goodness my not-so-excellent adventure was completed.

I'm Back!

Just last night one of my dearest friends in the world mentioned that I hadn't blogged in nearly a month. It's true. I just did not have the mental energy to even THINK a coherent thought much less write one down between wedding preparations, Christmas celebrations, and New Year's Eve festivities. But, I'm back now with some new stories to tell and some thoughts to share.